1
00:00:01,440 --> 00:00:03,520
Babes, I've missed you so much!

2
00:00:03,560 --> 00:00:05,320
Ah!

3
00:00:05,360 --> 00:00:08,520
Oi, come here!
Give it to me, take it off!

4
00:00:17,200 --> 00:00:22,120
OMG! Leave me alone.
You look like Joan of Arc.

5
00:00:22,160 --> 00:00:25,240
Just out of interest, Friar Tuck.
How are the merry men?

6
00:00:25,280 --> 00:00:28,720
My dad did it. What look was he
going for? A young Ann Widdecombe?

7
00:00:28,760 --> 00:00:31,540
Enough about mushroom head. Guess
what I come back from Malaga with.

8
00:00:31,605 --> 00:00:34,365
Your virginity?

9
00:00:34,405 --> 00:00:36,405
Is it, like, well spiritual and shit?

10
00:00:36,445 --> 00:00:40,325
Nah, it's my Chinese order -
spring rolls, prawn toast, duck.

11
00:00:40,365 --> 00:00:41,565
Did your parents go ape?

12
00:00:41,605 --> 00:00:44,645
I can do what I want, cos they're
getting divorced. It's the nuts!

13
00:00:44,685 --> 00:00:46,605
Which one of them
gets to keep the caravan?

14
00:00:46,645 --> 00:00:49,405
How many times do I have to tell you,
Billy Elliot? It's a static home.

15
00:00:49,445 --> 00:00:52,085
It's got wheels on it. It's a caravan.

16
00:00:52,125 --> 00:00:54,685
That means you're a caravan.
Do they do Big Fat Gypsy Divorce?

17
00:00:54,725 --> 00:00:58,525
Where's Alfie? Probably chipping his
dick out a sock with a toffee hammer.

18
00:01:01,005 --> 00:01:03,525
Right, if anyone laughs,
they're getting expelled.

19
00:01:06,125 --> 00:01:07,325
My dad did it.

20
00:01:46,205 --> 00:01:47,725
What's up, homeboy?

21
00:01:49,445 --> 00:01:51,645
Oi, Little Lord Fondleboy!

22
00:01:51,685 --> 00:01:54,885
Mumford and Sons called.
They want their gay one back.

23
00:01:54,925 --> 00:01:57,965
Very clever, Grayson, but A,
the reason you don't like

24
00:01:58,005 --> 00:02:01,045
Mumford and Sons is cos
you're too young to appreciate

25
00:02:01,085 --> 00:02:02,925
a good dinner party anthem
when you hear one

26
00:02:02,965 --> 00:02:07,125
and B, I've got a girlfriend -
Miss Gulliver.

27
00:02:09,005 --> 00:02:12,085
Did you not get that problem
with your arsehole fixed?

28
00:02:12,125 --> 00:02:13,605
I can hear it talking again.

29
00:02:13,645 --> 00:02:15,845
Check her Facebook status, mate.

30
00:02:15,885 --> 00:02:18,125
Changed yesterday,
to "in a relationship".

31
00:02:46,405 --> 00:02:49,325
P-Widdy,
you're looking fit and healthy.

32
00:02:49,365 --> 00:02:51,165
Let me guess -
no carbs before Marbs?

33
00:02:51,205 --> 00:02:53,325
I went on a moose shoot
in British Columbia.

34
00:02:53,365 --> 00:02:55,765
What, and no-one shot you?
Thankfully, no,

35
00:02:55,805 --> 00:02:58,125
which leaves me able
to fetch my gun

36
00:02:58,165 --> 00:03:01,445
and murder whatever monstrosity's
nesting on your head.

37
00:03:01,485 --> 00:03:05,485
Good to see FC Banterlona stayed
fit during the off-season.

38
00:03:05,525 --> 00:03:07,525
And how did you spend
your holidays, Mr Fraser?

39
00:03:07,565 --> 00:03:10,125
Trying to master the art
of lacing your own shoes?

40
00:03:10,165 --> 00:03:12,245
Oh, no, still wearing
these bad boys.

41
00:03:12,285 --> 00:03:15,285
Every morning I wake up and thank
God I still have size five feet.

42
00:03:15,325 --> 00:03:18,245
Now, first staff meeting
of the new term

43
00:03:18,285 --> 00:03:20,285
and it's Abbey Grove's
swimming gala this week.

44
00:03:20,325 --> 00:03:23,605
Which means it is the sweepstake.

45
00:03:23,645 --> 00:03:27,205
?10 in.
Winning form teacher takes the pot.

46
00:03:30,125 --> 00:03:32,845
Why do we have to be so competitive?

47
00:03:32,885 --> 00:03:35,725
We should be celebrating each
and every child taking part.

48
00:03:35,765 --> 00:03:37,285
Show me the money, woman.

49
00:03:37,325 --> 00:03:39,885
No, I won't,
because I believe very strongly...

50
00:03:39,925 --> 00:03:43,325
Hey, babe. Don't worry,
I got this. Listen, Izzy,

51
00:03:43,365 --> 00:03:46,325
if she says it ain't happenin',
it ain't happenin'.

52
00:03:46,365 --> 00:03:47,925
I've got your back, babe.

53
00:03:47,965 --> 00:03:51,125
Now, light bulb - ding!

54
00:03:51,165 --> 00:03:54,325
We all know how the UK recently
hosted the greatest show on earth.

55
00:03:54,365 --> 00:03:59,525
The Olympics. Close. The Paralympics?
The what?! No, Splash!

56
00:03:59,565 --> 00:04:03,285
I thought we could end the gala with
a synchronised diving competition.

57
00:04:03,325 --> 00:04:07,525
Synchronised diving? My class would
rather take a running jump.

58
00:04:07,565 --> 00:04:10,885
Shame you won't get your grubby
little paws on this money.

59
00:04:10,925 --> 00:04:13,405
Legal bills can be oh-so-ruinous.

60
00:04:13,445 --> 00:04:15,085
Legal bills?

61
00:04:15,125 --> 00:04:18,125
Well, I presume you're not letting
your hairdresser get away with that.

62
00:04:18,165 --> 00:04:20,245
Cheryl Bowl.
Back off the bob, bitch.

63
00:04:20,285 --> 00:04:23,565
And anyway,
I bet you my class win something.

64
00:04:23,605 --> 00:04:26,165
Yap, yap, yap, yap, yappity, yap, yap.
You're on.

65
00:04:26,205 --> 00:04:29,805
Um, sorry, just to clarify,
I didn't mean betting actual money.

66
00:04:29,845 --> 00:04:33,685
Well, if you win a single event,
I'll match the pot.

67
00:04:33,725 --> 00:04:35,925
That's, like, ?200.

68
00:04:35,965 --> 00:04:38,805
Well, you could spend it
on Pokemons.

69
00:04:38,845 --> 00:04:43,565
Why would I spend it on Pokemon,
when I've already caught them all?

70
00:04:44,845 --> 00:04:48,645
More graceful back and forth -
Ballroom Banter with Banton de Beke!

71
00:04:48,685 --> 00:04:49,685
Ten!

72
00:04:56,645 --> 00:04:59,285
Guys, you need to bring your pyjamas
in on Friday.

73
00:04:59,325 --> 00:05:02,005
Are we having a sleep-over?
Can I be the little spoon?

74
00:05:02,045 --> 00:05:05,645
Er, no, we are learning swimming
safety. Why? We live in Watford.

75
00:05:05,685 --> 00:05:07,405
We ain't going to drown in a flood.

76
00:05:07,445 --> 00:05:10,525
Yeah, well, YOU'RE not. That is the
one advantage of living in a caravan.

77
00:05:10,565 --> 00:05:12,925
If there is a flood, you can
just move to higher ground.

78
00:05:12,965 --> 00:05:15,285
Well, at least I don't look like
an Amish rent boy.

79
00:05:15,325 --> 00:05:19,085
Whatever.
Look, we're learning swimming safety

80
00:05:19,125 --> 00:05:21,205
so we can all enter
the swimming gala!

81
00:05:21,245 --> 00:05:23,645
But we never do the gala!
Well, we do now!

82
00:05:23,685 --> 00:05:27,205
And we are going to wipe that
smug look off Pickwell's face

83
00:05:27,245 --> 00:05:29,845
and, in doing so, win me a cash bet.

84
00:05:29,885 --> 00:05:33,645
And you know what that means -
group trip to Nando's on me.

85
00:05:33,685 --> 00:05:36,245
All we have to do is beat
Pickwell at one thing.

86
00:05:36,285 --> 00:05:38,565
And I reckon
we've got a chance this year,

87
00:05:38,605 --> 00:05:41,525
because there is a new event,
synchronised diving.

88
00:05:41,565 --> 00:05:45,245
It's someone's opportunity to become
the next Tom Daley.

89
00:05:45,285 --> 00:05:49,365
Fierce! Count me in. I'll be
like Usher with gills. Hashtag Werk.

90
00:05:49,405 --> 00:05:51,445
I knew I could count on you, Stephen.

91
00:05:51,485 --> 00:05:53,325
Now, you're going to need
to pick a partner.

92
00:05:53,365 --> 00:05:58,685
Unless, of course, anyone wants
to volunteer themselves?

93
00:06:00,845 --> 00:06:06,445
Jing, maybe? You peeps are
notoriously good at the old diving.

94
00:06:06,485 --> 00:06:07,685
You mean Chinese people?

95
00:06:07,725 --> 00:06:11,165
No. I meant people who wear glasses

96
00:06:11,205 --> 00:06:14,365
and are, um, Sagittarius.

97
00:06:14,405 --> 00:06:17,125
Firstly, I'm Virgo. And secondly,

98
00:06:17,165 --> 00:06:20,125
you may think you've disguised your
prejudices, but you don't fool me.

99
00:06:20,165 --> 00:06:22,885
Classic Sagittarius.

100
00:06:22,925 --> 00:06:25,685
I'll do it for a beer at Nando's.
Done!

101
00:06:25,725 --> 00:06:27,125
Now, on a separate issue,

102
00:06:27,165 --> 00:06:31,245
I need to do something rather special
for the old ball and chain.

103
00:06:32,365 --> 00:06:34,765
My girlfriend, Miss Gulliver.

104
00:06:34,805 --> 00:06:38,805
We had a little bit of
a lovers' tiff in the staff room

105
00:06:38,845 --> 00:06:40,605
and I want to make things right.

106
00:06:40,645 --> 00:06:44,205
I've got a brilliant idea.
I need your help.

107
00:06:48,565 --> 00:06:51,885
Alfie, are you OK? Joe told me
that you'd been to hospital.

108
00:06:53,365 --> 00:06:56,925
Yeah, doctor said someone
had stolen my heart.

109
00:06:56,965 --> 00:06:59,925
You wouldn't happen to know
anything about that, now, would you?

110
00:06:59,965 --> 00:07:03,525
Alfie, we're not in a relationship.

111
00:07:03,565 --> 00:07:06,365
Then why did you put it on Facebook?

112
00:07:06,405 --> 00:07:11,365
I put that I'm in a relationship.
Which I am. Just not with you.

113
00:07:11,405 --> 00:07:17,325
I don't understand.
What... You... Who is it?

114
00:07:17,365 --> 00:07:20,725
Tell me who he is and I will fight
this tag-nut for your hand.

115
00:07:21,925 --> 00:07:22,965
Alex Scott.

116
00:07:23,005 --> 00:07:25,165
Alex Scott? He sounds shit.

117
00:07:25,205 --> 00:07:27,725
No, Alex Scott. I used to teach HER.

118
00:07:27,765 --> 00:07:31,445
Alfie, I really, really didn't want
to have to tell you like this.

119
00:07:31,485 --> 00:07:37,165
You're going out with Alex Scott?
She's, like, 20 and... hot. Yeah.

120
00:07:37,205 --> 00:07:40,885
And a girl! And, sorry,
more importantly, she's your pupil!

121
00:07:40,925 --> 00:07:44,325
WAS... Years ago.

122
00:07:44,365 --> 00:07:45,845
I don't know what to think!

123
00:07:45,885 --> 00:07:50,605
I am angry and aroused and upset.

124
00:07:50,645 --> 00:07:54,205
And mainly aroused. And confused.

125
00:07:54,245 --> 00:07:57,805
I didn't think the idea of lesbians
could make me this miserable.

126
00:07:57,845 --> 00:08:02,205
I just... I like her.
I like Joe, I'm not going to bum him.

127
00:08:02,245 --> 00:08:04,485
This is completely different. Is it?

128
00:08:04,525 --> 00:08:07,845
Sorry, what would you be like
if I was like, "Oh, last night,

129
00:08:07,885 --> 00:08:10,925
"I was helping Joe with his homework
and one thing led to another

130
00:08:10,965 --> 00:08:13,685
"and I just ended up tugging him off
into his Encore Tricolore"?

131
00:08:13,725 --> 00:08:18,365
I'd say, "Why are you teaching him
French?" You know what I mean.

132
00:08:18,405 --> 00:08:21,205
Look, I love you!

133
00:08:21,245 --> 00:08:27,605
See all of this - the petals,
the candles, the Michael Buble.

134
00:08:27,645 --> 00:08:30,325
Does anyone really like
Michael Buble?

135
00:08:30,365 --> 00:08:32,925
He's just a shit Michael Ball.

136
00:08:32,965 --> 00:08:39,685
I realise that this is a strange,
highly emotional time for you,

137
00:08:39,725 --> 00:08:44,005
but how dare you take this out
on the Bube-ster?

138
00:08:44,045 --> 00:08:45,565
She didn't mean it, Michael.

139
00:08:47,805 --> 00:08:50,245
Please don't go. I'm sorry.

140
00:08:52,005 --> 00:08:53,925
Fine! Bye, then!

141
00:08:53,965 --> 00:08:58,205
I'm off to find one of the boys in my
class to see if he fancies a bumming!

142
00:08:58,245 --> 00:08:59,765
Mr Wickers.

143
00:09:03,525 --> 00:09:05,045
These are the Wilsons.

144
00:09:05,085 --> 00:09:08,285
They were thinking about sending
their child to Abbey Grove.

145
00:09:08,325 --> 00:09:11,045
Shall I show you back
to the car park?

146
00:09:26,325 --> 00:09:29,405
Sir, why haven't you dealt
with that bowl yet?

147
00:09:29,445 --> 00:09:32,565
Right, for the last time
it's not a bowl, it's a man bob.

148
00:09:32,605 --> 00:09:35,445
Not gigi. And the reason that
I haven't been able to deal with it

149
00:09:35,485 --> 00:09:38,845
is cos I've been busy picking up
the pieces of my broken heart.

150
00:09:38,885 --> 00:09:42,085
Ah. Miss Gulliver's no biggie, sir.
Every girl has a minge binge.

151
00:09:42,125 --> 00:09:45,845
Minge! Maybe the reason they become
lesbians after they've got with me

152
00:09:45,885 --> 00:09:49,125
is because they know that it's never
going to get any better -

153
00:09:49,165 --> 00:09:51,605
like when Sir Chris Hoy retired
after London 2012.

154
00:09:51,645 --> 00:09:54,285
Want me to be your guinea pig?
You can kiss me and see if I turn,

155
00:09:54,325 --> 00:09:55,445
like a lesbo Twilight.

156
00:09:55,485 --> 00:09:58,445
Sir, so what if Gulliver's
exploring her boundaries?

157
00:09:58,485 --> 00:10:01,085
Sexuality ain't
a rigid set of definitions.

158
00:10:01,125 --> 00:10:04,605
It's a spectrum and we all fluctuate
between its many polarities.

159
00:10:04,645 --> 00:10:06,965
Plus yat on yat is fit, innit?

160
00:10:07,005 --> 00:10:08,925
And he's back.

161
00:10:08,965 --> 00:10:10,325
Joe's got a choad!

162
00:10:10,365 --> 00:10:12,725
Guys, can you hurry up, please?

163
00:10:12,765 --> 00:10:15,605
Piss off, Savile!
Sir's perving on us.

164
00:10:15,645 --> 00:10:18,805
I'm ready, sir.
Hope the water's warm.

165
00:10:18,845 --> 00:10:22,285
I'm not looking. Chantelle,
I told you to put your pyjamas on.

166
00:10:22,325 --> 00:10:25,085
I sleep naked.
Go and get some clothes on now!

167
00:10:26,325 --> 00:10:30,965
This leisure centre is minging.
Joe, you don't sleep in a duffle coat.

168
00:10:31,005 --> 00:10:34,925
I do when it's cold.
Please don't make me swim, Alfie.

169
00:10:34,965 --> 00:10:37,965
Mate, you should be used to
having wet pyjamas!

170
00:10:41,925 --> 00:10:45,125
Is that my shirt? It's all I could find.
Do you want some breakfast?

171
00:10:45,165 --> 00:10:47,845
Look! It's my XXL conny!

172
00:10:47,885 --> 00:10:50,005
It's a verruca sock. Argh!

173
00:10:50,045 --> 00:10:52,245
Where's the lifeguard?
She'd better be a sort.

174
00:10:52,285 --> 00:10:54,565
Don't worry, mate. They always are.

175
00:11:12,205 --> 00:11:15,365
Oi, Jing. Get your harpoon out.
I've spotted a whale.

176
00:11:15,405 --> 00:11:17,365
Sit down, you grubby little toads!

177
00:11:18,605 --> 00:11:20,085
Hi. I'm Mr Wickers.

178
00:11:20,125 --> 00:11:23,045
You too. I'm the form teacher.

179
00:11:23,085 --> 00:11:29,725
Sit! My name is Joy. Before you
begin, a couple of ground rules.

180
00:11:29,765 --> 00:11:34,005
I don't like children,
but I do like my kit.

181
00:11:34,045 --> 00:11:36,885
And take extra special
care of Thomas.

182
00:11:36,925 --> 00:11:41,485
Oh, her dummy's got a name.
Rules. No diving, no bombing,

183
00:11:41,525 --> 00:11:44,605
and no petting -
of the heavy or light persuasion.

184
00:11:44,645 --> 00:11:48,445
What's petting? Why don't you
show us, love? Give us a kiss!

185
00:11:49,685 --> 00:11:53,925
Do you want a faceful of congenital
herpes? Thought not, squirt.

186
00:11:53,965 --> 00:11:55,765
And finally, no running!

187
00:11:55,805 --> 00:11:59,005
We had a lad used to run round,
ended up cracking his head.

188
00:11:59,045 --> 00:12:03,605
He can't run any more. Eats through
a tube and shits in a bag.

189
00:12:05,645 --> 00:12:09,125
I think what Joy is trying to say
is that water can make this surface

190
00:12:09,165 --> 00:12:10,205
very slippery.

191
00:12:10,245 --> 00:12:13,925
Wasn't water.
He tripped on a crutch.

192
00:12:15,725 --> 00:12:20,605
OK, er, back to swimming.
Has anyone got any questions for Joy?

193
00:12:20,645 --> 00:12:23,565
Yeah. Is it true the water changes
colour if you piss in it?

194
00:12:23,605 --> 00:12:26,885
Yeah. It goes yellow.
Tods turn the milk chocolaty.

195
00:12:26,925 --> 00:12:29,805
Someone's done a dump in it?
Wasn't my fault, you weasel.

196
00:12:29,845 --> 00:12:32,845
I've got a spastic colon.
Speaking of which...

197
00:12:32,885 --> 00:12:33,965
Ooh.

198
00:12:35,805 --> 00:12:40,245
Sorry. Aren't you going to help me
with this? Nature calls.

199
00:12:40,285 --> 00:12:43,525
That Ginsters Scotch Egg Bar's
tipping the concierge.

200
00:12:43,565 --> 00:12:45,645
Think it wants to check out.

201
00:12:47,325 --> 00:12:48,325
OK.

202
00:12:48,365 --> 00:12:51,525
That was Joy. Charming little thing.

203
00:12:51,565 --> 00:12:55,525
Right, left, left, left,
right. Halt!

204
00:12:57,165 --> 00:12:59,365
Right, resuscitation.

205
00:12:59,405 --> 00:13:02,005
Oi, look, sir, shag of life!

206
00:13:02,045 --> 00:13:04,285
Mitchell, put that down!

207
00:13:04,325 --> 00:13:09,325
Now, Mr Wickers has got it
into his septic tank of a head

208
00:13:09,365 --> 00:13:13,645
that he stands a chance
of competing this year.

209
00:13:13,685 --> 00:13:17,245
Get off! Mitchell, stop it!

210
00:13:17,285 --> 00:13:19,365
Any hole's a goal.
Let's make it airtight.

211
00:13:19,405 --> 00:13:22,165
Mitchell!
Thomas! Get off my husband!

212
00:13:24,645 --> 00:13:28,405
Right, well, I think
we can rest easy.

213
00:13:32,365 --> 00:13:34,925
Stop looking at me.
Cheeky wee bastard.

214
00:13:39,245 --> 00:13:40,725
Ah! Miss G!

215
00:13:40,765 --> 00:13:43,645
I'm very concerned about
the swimming gala, Fraser.

216
00:13:43,685 --> 00:13:47,485
Can I interest you in a lager?
Or a stout?

217
00:13:47,525 --> 00:13:53,445
I tend not to drink before 10.30am.
A selection of guest ales?

218
00:13:53,485 --> 00:13:57,285
Look, Miss Pickwell is insisting
her children starve themselves,

219
00:13:57,325 --> 00:14:00,165
in order to achieve
Olympic-standard body mass.

220
00:14:01,845 --> 00:14:03,045
Darts?

221
00:14:03,085 --> 00:14:06,125
I'm going out with a woman, Fraser.
I'm not a man.

222
00:14:06,165 --> 00:14:10,165
Oh, there it is. I had heard you'd
kissed a girl and you liked it

223
00:14:10,205 --> 00:14:13,805
and that's totes coolio on so many
levels. Kind of explains why

224
00:14:13,845 --> 00:14:16,645
you've never really wanted
a slice of the Fray Bantos pie.

225
00:14:16,685 --> 00:14:19,285
Mm-hm...
Yup, hit the nail on the head.

226
00:14:19,325 --> 00:14:23,685
Yup, so now that "us" is off the
table, we can let it all hang out.

227
00:14:23,725 --> 00:14:27,325
Oh, wow. Oh, new Speedos
tend to have very little give.

228
00:14:27,365 --> 00:14:29,765
I'm just breaking in
the gusset for later.

229
00:14:29,805 --> 00:14:31,925
Look, this is a point of principle,
Fraser.

230
00:14:31,965 --> 00:14:35,205
Either you excuse my class
from competing

231
00:14:35,245 --> 00:14:38,365
or we will take part
in a non-violent protest at the gala.

232
00:14:38,405 --> 00:14:41,285
I thought you'd be more into
this swimming lark now. Why?

233
00:14:41,325 --> 00:14:43,165
Clare Balding?

234
00:14:47,325 --> 00:14:49,205
Argh. Motherfunkster.

235
00:14:52,445 --> 00:14:55,285
Oi, numbnuts.
Why are you wearing goggles?

236
00:14:55,325 --> 00:14:57,565
Er, because I have a severe
chlorine allergy.

237
00:14:57,605 --> 00:14:59,885
I don't want to get any splashback
from this bad boy.

238
00:14:59,925 --> 00:15:03,245
Wait, you've got webbed feet,
but you can't actually swim?

239
00:15:03,285 --> 00:15:05,925
I know, Jing.
God can be a cruel mistress.

240
00:15:05,965 --> 00:15:08,365
It's like giving the Pope a big willy.

241
00:15:08,405 --> 00:15:12,125
Right, I am going to throw this
plastic brick into the pool

242
00:15:12,165 --> 00:15:15,525
and then each of you
is going to take turns to dive in,

243
00:15:15,565 --> 00:15:18,005
collect it
and then swim it back to shore.

244
00:15:18,045 --> 00:15:19,325
What is this preparing us for?

245
00:15:19,365 --> 00:15:21,605
You know, Jing,
learning is a lot easier

246
00:15:21,645 --> 00:15:23,245
if you don't ask any questions.

247
00:15:23,285 --> 00:15:28,725
OK, so who's going to go first?
Joe, want to get it out the way?

248
00:15:28,765 --> 00:15:32,045
I will.
All right, Stephen, you're up.

249
00:15:32,085 --> 00:15:35,285
Oi-oi! Argh! Mitchell!

250
00:15:37,245 --> 00:15:40,485
Mitchell! Stop splashing me!
I'm allergic.

251
00:15:40,525 --> 00:15:43,205
I need to throw the brick in first.
Get out of the pool!

252
00:15:43,245 --> 00:15:44,325
Come on, throw it.

253
00:15:44,365 --> 00:15:48,045
If you aim at me head, it ain't going to
go anywhere near me. Mitchell, get out!

254
00:15:48,085 --> 00:15:51,405
Or what, you'll come and get me,
goggle rash? Throw it, you melt.

255
00:15:51,445 --> 00:15:52,845
Fine!

256
00:15:56,365 --> 00:15:57,725
Oh, shit!

257
00:15:57,765 --> 00:16:01,565
Sir, help him!
I can't go in, I'm allergic!

258
00:16:01,605 --> 00:16:03,845
Quick, do something!
Is he going to die?

259
00:16:08,525 --> 00:16:09,565
What?

260
00:16:09,605 --> 00:16:11,405
Where's Joy?

261
00:16:11,445 --> 00:16:12,645
He's dying!

262
00:16:12,685 --> 00:16:15,925
JOY! Sir! JOY!

263
00:16:15,965 --> 00:16:18,605
Come on, you bastard. Work with me.

264
00:16:22,485 --> 00:16:25,005
All right, I will buy a second beer
at Nando's

265
00:16:25,045 --> 00:16:27,565
for whoever saves Mitchell!
Right, get in!

266
00:16:33,525 --> 00:16:34,525
Coward.

267
00:16:35,805 --> 00:16:39,085
Stephen, you can stop doing that now.
We've lost.

268
00:16:39,125 --> 00:16:42,005
Can't someone else dive with me?
We've been over this.

269
00:16:42,045 --> 00:16:46,725
Jordan and Raj are injured.
Rem Dogg is, well, Rem Dogg.

270
00:16:46,765 --> 00:16:47,765
Girls?

271
00:16:49,565 --> 00:16:52,325
How can you all be on your periods
at the same time?

272
00:16:52,365 --> 00:16:56,685
Women synchronise too.
Me and Chantelle started Monday...

273
00:16:56,725 --> 00:16:59,645
Please don't! We might as well
just accept Pickwell's won.

274
00:16:59,685 --> 00:17:01,645
Joe's not competing in anything.

275
00:17:01,685 --> 00:17:03,685
I'm on my period too?

276
00:17:03,725 --> 00:17:06,685
Blobby's on the blob!
I told you he had a fanny!

277
00:17:06,725 --> 00:17:10,605
I thought you were concussed?
Oh, me head. Argh! Come on, Joe.

278
00:17:10,645 --> 00:17:12,365
All we need to do is win one event.

279
00:17:12,405 --> 00:17:14,365
No way. Everyone's going to laugh at me.

280
00:17:14,405 --> 00:17:15,645
Why would they laugh?

281
00:17:15,685 --> 00:17:19,085
Last year, I wasn't even swimming,
I was just putting out lane numbers

282
00:17:19,125 --> 00:17:22,805
and Grayson got the whole school
to do the Moob-Bot.

283
00:17:23,845 --> 00:17:25,125
The Moob-Bot?

284
00:17:27,485 --> 00:17:31,165
Oh, that's clever.
But you can't let Grayson win.

285
00:17:31,205 --> 00:17:34,685
But I can't dive. It's not about
diving. It's about synchronising.

286
00:17:34,725 --> 00:17:38,845
You do something, no matter how
shit it is, he tries to copy it.

287
00:17:38,885 --> 00:17:39,925
We might get lucky.

288
00:17:39,965 --> 00:17:42,125
But if it's so easy,
why can't you do it?

289
00:17:42,165 --> 00:17:45,525
Oh, how many times?
Chlorine is my Kryptonite.

290
00:17:45,565 --> 00:17:46,965
One drop of that shit

291
00:17:47,005 --> 00:17:50,365
and I go from Jamie Redknapp
to Harry Redknapp, like that.

292
00:17:50,405 --> 00:17:54,485
Now, come on, buddy. I believe in you.
We all believe in you.

293
00:17:54,525 --> 00:17:58,685
Inspire a generation. Hashtag YOLO.

294
00:17:58,725 --> 00:18:01,565
YOLO, Joe. YOLO.

295
00:18:01,605 --> 00:18:06,525
YOLO, YOLO, YOLO, YOLO,
YOLO, YOLO, YOLO!

296
00:18:08,565 --> 00:18:12,045
Can you buy me three beers?
Everyone can have three beers!

297
00:18:21,725 --> 00:18:22,725
Ah, Mr Smith!

298
00:18:22,765 --> 00:18:26,405
So great to see you,
after the racial insensitivity tribunal.

299
00:18:26,445 --> 00:18:30,965
With hindsight, I can see
that word is best left to rappers.

300
00:18:31,005 --> 00:18:33,765
Well, let's just let bygones be bygones.

301
00:18:33,805 --> 00:18:36,125
Yes, bro.

302
00:18:36,165 --> 00:18:42,125


303
00:18:42,165 --> 00:18:47,525
We walk hand in hand...

304
00:18:50,205 --> 00:18:54,885
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome
to the Abbey Grove swimming gala.

305
00:18:57,205 --> 00:19:00,205
Now, to light the Olympic torch.

306
00:19:02,645 --> 00:19:05,045
Let the Games begin.

307
00:19:15,125 --> 00:19:16,525
Oh, no.

308
00:19:23,085 --> 00:19:25,165
Don't panic! Everything's fine!

309
00:19:25,205 --> 00:19:29,885
Everything's fine.
Everything's cool. Don't panic!

310
00:19:29,925 --> 00:19:32,925
Everything's fine. Do not worry.

311
00:19:32,965 --> 00:19:37,845
Oh, God. It's really hot. Help! Help!

312
00:20:04,125 --> 00:20:06,965

 We shall, we shall not be moved. 


313
00:20:07,005 --> 00:20:09,405
Argh! Oh, my God!

314
00:20:21,965 --> 00:20:23,085
Stuck, is it?

315
00:20:24,525 --> 00:20:25,725
Stand back.

316
00:20:25,765 --> 00:20:30,365
Sometimes there's no substitute
for a little bit of manpower.

317
00:20:42,405 --> 00:20:46,365
Any minute now, it'll just drop.
It's a stubborn one.

318
00:20:49,045 --> 00:20:51,005
Oh, shit!

319
00:20:51,045 --> 00:20:53,565
Erm, I haven't actually
put my money in it.

320
00:20:53,605 --> 00:20:58,405
Oh... that'll be why
nothing's coming out, then.

321
00:20:59,685 --> 00:21:03,645
FYI, your, er, little minge binge.

322
00:21:04,685 --> 00:21:08,005
Not my fault. I've checked
with loads of my ex-girlfriends

323
00:21:08,045 --> 00:21:09,885
and they're all still straight.

324
00:21:09,925 --> 00:21:11,925
"Checked"?
What do you mean, checked?

325
00:21:11,965 --> 00:21:16,285
I asked them if they were gay.
Not straight out. I'm subtle, like.

326
00:21:16,325 --> 00:21:17,805
What did you ask them?

327
00:21:17,845 --> 00:21:21,445
Timbaland - music producer
or formal evening footwear?

328
00:21:23,085 --> 00:21:24,765
You're intimidated.

329
00:21:24,805 --> 00:21:26,805
No, I'm not.

330
00:21:26,845 --> 00:21:32,165
I just think that, you know...
you might be, er, missing out.

331
00:21:35,045 --> 00:21:37,045
I'm not missing out.

332
00:21:37,085 --> 00:21:41,525
No, because sex with Alex

333
00:21:41,565 --> 00:21:44,565
is a sensual awakening.

334
00:21:44,605 --> 00:21:50,565
Wave upon wave
of mind-blowing orgasms.

335
00:21:50,605 --> 00:21:53,845
She's a volcano of pleasure.

336
00:21:57,485 --> 00:22:00,165
Very clever.

337
00:22:00,205 --> 00:22:03,125
Very clever indeed.

338
00:22:03,165 --> 00:22:07,005
Get your own back
by giving me an erection

339
00:22:07,045 --> 00:22:09,925
at a children's swimming gala. Oh, God.

340
00:22:19,365 --> 00:22:22,405
I don't care
if you're dying of starvation,

341
00:22:22,445 --> 00:22:25,045
your bingo wings are not going
to mess up this entry.

342
00:22:26,285 --> 00:22:29,965
Miss, I feel...
You do not feel, you dive.

343
00:22:31,005 --> 00:22:32,005
Are you all right?

344
00:22:32,045 --> 00:22:35,805
Sir, we need to call security.
I've seen a suspicious package.

345
00:22:35,845 --> 00:22:40,525
Eugh. Pickwell's camel toe?
Toe? That's a whole hoof.

346
00:22:51,525 --> 00:22:52,925
Zero?

347
00:22:52,965 --> 00:22:55,045
Are you out of your tiny little minds?

348
00:22:55,085 --> 00:22:57,765
There was no synchronisation.

349
00:22:57,805 --> 00:23:03,325
Yes! Look, it's easy. Just keep it
simple. Keep it synchronised.

350
00:23:03,365 --> 00:23:07,365
I can't! I can't take my top off.
Everyone will laugh.

351
00:23:07,405 --> 00:23:12,405
Ignore them, Joe. Look,
no-one is happy about their bodies.

352
00:23:12,445 --> 00:23:17,325
You really think that this will
ever win Heat's torso of the week?

353
00:23:17,365 --> 00:23:20,965
No, but they might bring back
Circle of Shame for those nipples.

354
00:23:21,005 --> 00:23:23,765
Stephen, could you just go
and sort out the music?

355
00:23:23,805 --> 00:23:25,165
This dive is happening!

356
00:23:27,285 --> 00:23:30,765
Look, mate, beauty is more
than skin-deep.

357
00:23:30,805 --> 00:23:32,045
You are like...

358
00:23:35,325 --> 00:23:38,365
a Ginsters Scotch Egg Bar. Yeah.

359
00:23:38,405 --> 00:23:42,925
On the outside, you're not
traditionally beautiful,

360
00:23:42,965 --> 00:23:47,045
but inside...
inside, you're pretty damn special.

361
00:23:47,085 --> 00:23:51,605
Argh! My ankle! This witch tripped me!

362
00:23:51,645 --> 00:23:53,685
I said, no running.

363
00:23:58,365 --> 00:24:03,405
No way. Right, that's it.
Shit's getting real.

364
00:24:03,445 --> 00:24:05,285
What about your chlorine allergy?

365
00:24:05,325 --> 00:24:08,085
You know what, Joe? Some day...

366
00:24:10,125 --> 00:24:12,405
we've all got to face up to our fears.

367
00:24:12,445 --> 00:24:15,125
You with me? Oi, chicken dipper!

368
00:24:18,125 --> 00:24:20,765
That's the spirit. Lock and load.

369
00:24:20,805 --> 00:24:23,965
What happened to not being
ashamed of your body?

370
00:24:24,005 --> 00:24:28,045
Joe, there are some shortcomings
that no man will ever get over.

371
00:24:29,085 --> 00:24:30,765
Put it down.

372
00:24:35,925 --> 00:24:38,565
Dive, dive, dive, dive!

373
00:24:41,485 --> 00:24:46,925
Are you sure about this, Alfie?
Yeah. How bad can it be, right?

374
00:24:48,605 --> 00:24:50,725
Bob bump? Bob bump.

375
00:25:30,605 --> 00:25:31,925
Yes! Yes!

376
00:25:33,285 --> 00:25:34,685
Yes, we did it!

377
00:25:36,645 --> 00:25:42,805
Oh! Oh, my chlorine allergy.
It's vanished! I feel fine!

378
00:25:48,525 --> 00:25:52,085
Honestly, guys, how bad is it?

379
00:25:52,125 --> 00:25:53,445
Not bad at all.

380
00:25:53,485 --> 00:25:58,125
Oh, my God, you look minging...
but no worse than normal.

381
00:25:58,165 --> 00:26:00,365
You look fine, sir. Really.

382
00:26:00,405 --> 00:26:03,045
You'd better get into a hot shower
and some dry clothes, sir.

383
00:26:03,085 --> 00:26:04,645
I'll help you get your trunks off.

384
00:26:04,685 --> 00:26:07,085
Whoa! I think I can cope,
thank you, Chantelle.

385
00:26:15,365 --> 00:26:17,165
Is somebody there?

386
00:26:18,325 --> 00:26:20,445
Where are my clothes?
Nice face, Downton.

387
00:26:20,485 --> 00:26:23,365
Seriously, Frank,
I am not in the mood for this.

388
00:26:23,405 --> 00:26:27,245
Thunderbirds are GO! What?

389
00:26:28,405 --> 00:26:30,045
Give me my towel back!

390
00:26:30,085 --> 00:26:31,845
Ow!

391
00:26:31,885 --> 00:26:33,645
This isn't funny!

392
00:26:33,685 --> 00:26:37,845
Seriously... Seriously, guys.
Come on, sir!

393
00:26:40,365 --> 00:26:42,565
This is not funny! Alfie?

394
00:26:45,445 --> 00:26:48,565
Hello? Rosie?

395
00:26:48,605 --> 00:26:50,405
We're in the lobby, aren't we?

396
00:26:50,445 --> 00:26:53,445
Yeah. Shit!

397
00:26:53,485 --> 00:26:55,165
This is my recurring nightmare.

398
00:26:55,205 --> 00:26:59,445
Is he OK? Oh, is this...?

399
00:26:59,485 --> 00:27:03,845
Yes! This must be the famous Alex.

400
00:27:08,325 --> 00:27:11,125
How wonderful to finally meet you.

401
00:27:11,165 --> 00:27:12,525
No?

402
00:27:13,605 --> 00:27:17,045
It's like that, is it?
You are making a spectacle of yourself.

403
00:27:17,085 --> 00:27:18,445
Go and put some clothes on!

404
00:27:18,485 --> 00:27:23,805
Oh, sorry. You think I'm embarrassed
about my body? Pu-lease!

405
00:27:23,845 --> 00:27:29,405
Darling, you just can't handle being
reminded of what you could have had.

406
00:27:29,445 --> 00:27:31,285
Argh!

407
00:27:36,125 --> 00:27:39,685
Come on, then, take a photo.
It'll last longer.

408
00:27:43,125 --> 00:27:44,885
That's a figure of speech,
I didn't mean it!

409
00:27:44,925 --> 00:27:47,685
Stop it, Mitchell! Sir?

410
00:27:58,765 --> 00:28:01,885
I promise, it's me. Please?!

411
00:28:01,925 --> 00:28:05,805
I've got to buy those guys 30 beers.

412
00:28:05,855 --> 00:28:10,405
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